Resident Evil Musical Cabaret
by Ariel Rivka
Summary: We're here agin, this time for RE! Please come take your seats...Rated C for Cheeziness
1. Opening

**B'WAY BABIE: Hello and welcome to the Resident Evil Cabaret! You may remember me and my brother, Jeremy, form the Silent Hill Cabaret. **

**JEREMY: Hello, you may remember me as B'way Babie's brother Jeremy. Vincent still should have been Benny.**

**B'WAY BABIE: Oh my g-d shut up already!**

**JEREMY: (Grumbling.)**

**B'WAY BABIE: So, this is a dedication to the theatre. Yes readers, we are theatre urchins. **_**There's nothing wrong with that!**_** Most of the songs are—**

**JEREMY: Songs we ripped off from Broadway, altered, and made for you're liking.**

**B'WAY BABIE: Yes. (To Jeremy.) Can't we get sued for that?**

**JEREMY: Of course not!**

**B'WAY BABIE: Oh…okay! The first song, the opening number, isn't technically a Broadway song but close enough. I sung it in theatre camp. It's called Magic to Do by Don Pippin. We—**

**BROADWAY GUY: (Knocking on the door.) Hey! I know you brat's are in there! Come out here so I can sue you're asses off!!!**

**B'WAY BABIE AND JEREMY: Crap!!!**

**B'WAY BABIE: Anyway, uh…please…enjoy…the first number…Ruuun!!!!**

_(The stage is lit up to show five characters with their backs turned to us. They are all dressed in white suits with tails, canes, and white top hats. The music cues and they start to snap with one hand while holding the cane in the other.)_

WESKER: Join us, leave you're peers to cower.

SADDLER: Join us, come and view our power.

ALEXIA: Join us, come and waste a lifetime or two.

NEMESIS: Doodly-doo.

_(Ada, Claire, Sherry, Alyssa, Jill, Rebecca, and Annette all enter from stage right while Leon, Chris, Steve, William, Luis, Carlos, and Hunk enter simultaneously form stage left wearing the same white suits and accessories. Salazar, Bitores, Ben, and Nicholai all enter from behind the big platform, waving their hands.)_

ALL: Journey, journey to a spot ex-citing, cool, and horrifying. Journey, come to our opening night debut. We've got magic to do, just for you, we've got monsters and zombies to slay. We've got things to deform, hearts to warm, kings and things to take by storm as we go along our way.

_(Ada and Carlos both do cartwheels across the stage.)_

CLAIRE, JILL, ASHLEY: Intrigue, plots to bring disaster.

_(Claire, Rebecca, and Annette all meet Leon, Billy, and William in the middle.)_

ALFRED, LUIS, BILLY: Humor, handled by the master.

_(Leon, Billy, and William each lift their designated date onto their shoulders as the woman perform splits in the air.)_

EXCEPT THOSE SIX: Romance, love presented pastorally.

_(Six split, and scurry off stage.)_

NEMESIS: Doodly-dee.

SALAZAR, BITORES, NICHOLAI: Illusions, fantasy to study.

BITORES, NEMESIS, SADDLER: Bosses, barbarous and bloody!

ALL: Join us, sit where everybody can see! We've got magic to do, just for you, we've got monsters and zombies to slay. We've got parts to perform, songs to make you squirm, kings and things to take by storm, as we go along our way!

**B'WAY BABIE: Are they gone?**

**JEREMY: I think so. Move over, you're feet smell!**

**B'WAY BABY: Sshh! Anyways people, I hope you enjoyed the first number. Come back for the second song sung by Wesker, Birkin, and the zombies! Oww!**

**JEREMY: Please don't sue us!!**

**A.N.-Seriously, the next chapter will be mucho better. The opening is the hardest. **


	2. One Short Day in the Raccoon City

**B'WAY BABIE: Wow, we came up with that one fast!**

**JEREMY: (Mysteriously, shifty eyed.) Too fast…**

_(The lights light up to show Wesker and Birkin stand facing each other.)_

WESKER: _(Spoken.) _Will, where on Earth do you plan on setting up this virus?

BIRKIN: _(Spoken.) _I don't know. Preferably a place where people mind their own damn business, is not zombie proof, and I get free parking on Sundays.

_(Both men make a show of thinking. Finally, a light bulb appears over Wesker's blonde head. He puts a hand on his friend's shoulder.)_

WESKER: _(Spoken.)_Come with me, to Raccoon City

CITIZENS: One short day in the Raccoon City.

BIRKIN: _(Spoken. Jumping up and down and clapping his hands like a little girl.) _Oh, I've always wanted to infect Raccoon City!

_(Sunny Raccoon City background comes on.)_

CITIZENS: One short day, in the Raccoon City…One short day, in the Raccoon City. One short day, full of work to do. Everyday, that you're here in the city, there something horrific, you'll want to visit, before you're lives through.

WESKER: There are buildings tall as quoxwood trees! O.o?

BIRKIN: Dress salons! O.O???

(Okay, now back to lyrics we made up…)

WESKER: Underground labs!

BIRKINS: Secret facilities!

WESKER: Citizens!

(Mucho better: )

WESKER and BIRKIN: One hundred strong. We'll make wonders the worlds never seen!

WESKER: It will be grand!

BIRKIN: It will be mean!

WESKER and BIRKIN: _(Putting their arms around each other like brothers.)_ I think we've found the place where we belong!

_(Wesker slaps Birkin on the back.)_

WESKER: And we will show the world someday!

BIRKIN: Whose in charge!

WESKER: So stay outta our way!

BIRKIN: Albert, come on! Let's go get started.

_(Birkin goes over to a counter on wheels full of test tubes and weird colored potions and begins to mix them. Wesker stands there…looking cool.)_

CITIZENS: Who're the mage, who're major? Has smarticles in their head, makin all o us dead? (Jeremy made that word up!) Who're the sage, who're sagely? Seldom to smile down on us? Who'r the ones who are loonies? Ruined the fun for honeymoonies? Who? Aren't they horrible, Birkin and Wesker.

CITIZENS, BIRKIN, WESKER: One short day, in the Raccoon City. One short day for a lifetime in hell! On our way to open Umbrella in the city.

WESKER AND BIRKIN: Where so many roam to, we'll call it home too!

BIRKIN: And then just like now we can say…_(Links arm with Wesker.)_

WESKER: You've gotta be kidding me.

BIRKIN: We're just two friends.

WESKER: Will, no.

BIRKIN: _(Prompting.) _Two _good_ friends.

WESKER: Dammit Will! _(Sigh. Grudgingly.) _Two…best…friends.

WESKER, BIRKIN, CITIZENS: Sharing one wonderful, one short—

BIRKIN: _(Holding a bubbling test tube.) _Watch out, she's gonna—

_(There's a big boom and the lights go out. They come back on to show the Raccoon City background with the city as it looks in the game and all the citizens are now zombies.)_

WESKER, BIRKIN, ZOMBIES: Day!


	3. Always look on the bright side of life

_**A.N.- Hello, sorry it took long to update. Between mine and Jeremy's shows there hasn't been much time. Anyways, this is sung to the song Always Look on the Bright Side of Life from Monty Python's Spamalot which is based on the movie Search for the Holy Grail. It is perhaps the funniest show I have ever seen, we plan on using it more. Anyways, leave reviews and song requests. **_

_(Leon and Ashley enter stage, both dirtied and looking miserable. With a cry of disgusts, Leon plops down on a stump, pouting.)_

LEON: (Spoken.) This is just friggin great! We're lost in this psycho and extremely cheap village!

_(Ashley sits on the ground (since Leon left no room for her.) next to Leon, forcing a smile.)_

ASHLEY: (Spoken.) Aww, cheer up Leon. Things could be worse.

LEON: (Glumly, spoken.) How could things possibly be worse?

ASHLEY: (Spoken.) Well…(Sung.)…Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad. You've had to put up with my nasally voice and now you're life's a mess. When your heart starts to give in, don't grumble, _(Punches Leon lightly on the shoulder.)_ give a grin. And this'll help things turn out for the best. And…always look on the bright side of life!

_(Saddler, Luis, Ada, and Krauser come dancing out on stage, all smiles.)_

ASHLEY: And, always look on the bright side of life!

_(Saddler and Luis, Ada and Krauser, hook arms and start to dance in circles.)_

ASHLEY: When life seems jolly rotten and there's something you've forgotten, and that's to always smile and dance and sing. _(Four all dance in crazy circles smiling like there's no tomorrow.) _When you find a village gone insane, don't worry, it's all part of the game! Just kill everything that moves, that's the only thing aaaand always look on the bright side of life!

_(Krauser and Ada go to one side of the stage while Luis and saddler the other. Each couple stands on a small rise in the floor, a mini stage about seven feet long each.)_

ASHLEY: When life seems quite absurd and deaths the final word you must always face the curtain with a bow. _(Saddler stabs Luis through the chest. Luis makes an attempt to bow before falling.) _Forget about you're sin, give the audience a grin. _(Ada smiles, preparing to kill Kruaser. Oops, Krauser sneaks up behind her. Ada dies with a smile on her face.) _Enjoy it it's you're last chance anyhow.

_(Saddler and Ada disappear offstage, each dragging the corpses behind them.)_

_(Leon, finally getting the hang of it, stands. He a sudden movement, he performs a flawless tap step, landing in a split. The audience goes wild!)_

LEON: (Sung.) Always look on the bright side of death! _(Ada and Luis walk on in a casual sway, whistling in tune, each from separate sides of the stage.) _Just before you draw you're terminal breath! _(Ada and Luis exit. Saddler and Krauser walk on. Leon immediately draws his gun, preparing to fight.) _Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it. Life's a laugh and deaths a joke, it's true! _(Saddler knocks the gun out of his hand with one of his tentacles, leaving Leon defenseless. He backs away slowly, cornered by the two. It seems to be the end.) _The enemies coming down, there's no g-damned help around! _(Ada and Luis both shoot the assailants form offstage then come running on, killing them. Payback!) _Then remember that the last laugh is on you! _(Leon is helped up by both Ada and Luis. They put their arms around each other and start to do the cancan.)_

ALL: Always look on the bright side of life!

_(Saddler and Krauser proceed to wave their hand exuberantly while still dead.)_

ALL: Always look on the bright side of life!

_(Fireworks go off! B'Way Babie: No Jeremy, this isn't costing us anymore than what we can afford!)_

ALL: Always look on the bright…side of life!

_(Fireworks explode.)_


	4. No One Mourns the Evil

**JEREMY: Darn, another Wicked one.**

**B'WAY BABIE: Don't you say another word against Wicked!**

**JEREMY: Hey, whatever happened to that guy who tried to sue us?**

**B'WAY BABIE: Oh…I…took care of him. (Smiles evilly.)**

**JEREMY: (Smiles evilly.) Ah, yes! Very good!**

**B'WAY BABIE: Yes, yes! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**JEREMY: HAHAHAHAHA!**

**B'WAY BABIE: (Cackles.)**

**JEREMY: (Snorts.)**

**B'WAY BABIE: (Cackles louder, tossing head back.)**

**JEREMY: (Snorts louder with a pig nose.) Why are we laughing?**

**B'WAY BABIE: Mmm…no reason…**

**JEREMY: Sis, you're crazy. You're one crazy **_**chicacita.**_

**B'WAY BABIE: You **_**little--!**_

**JEREMY: and you know where crazy people go. To those happy homes where they make you where jackets that hugs yourself and put you in soft rooms where you can bounce off the walls all day long and where they inject you with needles every five—**

**B'WAY BABIE: I'm not going back to the nut house! (Runs out.)**

**JEREMY: Oookaayyy. Enjoy the next one folks! This one is also from Wicked, the opening number, No one Mourns the Wicked.**

_Yes, we are really making up this dialogue as we go along! This is a real conversation we made up._

_(The scene lights up to show a stage with a giant pair of sunglasses. The music starts up and on cue, Jill, Barry, Rebecca, and Claire all pop out from the behind the large pair of sunglasses, singing.)_

ALL: Good news, he's dead! Albert Wesker is dead!

_(The sunglasses is lifted from the stage and the four all start to head more downstage, singing.)_

ALL: The evilest guy there ever was, the evilest guy we ever saw is dead. Good news! Good news!

JILL: _(Spoken.) _Look, its Chris Redfield!

_(Chris comes down from overhead in a red bubble dressed in his RE 1 outfit. He sings out to his fellow teammates and sister.)_

CHRIS: Let us be glad, let us be grateful, let us rejoice of how our weapons could subdue, the evil workings of you-know-who! _(Voldemort pops his head out from the wings in confusion.) _Isn't it nice to know that good will almost always conquer evil? The truth of Raccoon City will now die…for you and…

BARRY: No one mourns the evil!

CLAIRE: No one cries they won't return!

JILL: No one lays a lily on their grave!

CLAIRE: People scorn the evil!

JILL: And through our lives we all shall learn!

ALL THREE: What we miss when we misbehave!

CHRIS: And we all know the evil life's are lonely! You're out till late, scheming up a storm! It just shows when you're evil you're left only, what you've formed.

BARRY: _(Spoken.) _Chris, how did Wesker become such a badass anyway?

CHRIS: _(Spoken.) _Err, that's a good question! Are people born evil, or do they have evilness thrust upon them?

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.) _Stop messing up Shakespeare!

CHRIS: _(Spoken.) _I mean, he had a girlfriend, and a life, as some of us do.

_(From stage right comes a woman, beautiful, wearing a silk dress and silk kerchief in her long hair. A younger Wesker comes out on stage. He wears no glasses and takes the young woman lovingly into his arms.)_

YOUNG WESKER: How I hate to go and leave you lonely.

WOMAN: That's all right it's only just one night.

WESKER: _(Releasing her and backing away slowly.) _But know that you're here in my heart, _(Places the woman's hand above his heart.) _While I'm out of you're sight. _(Kisses her hand then exits stage.)_

CHRIS: _(Spoken.) _And like most couples, they had their secrets…

_(The young woman waves goodbye to Wesker dreamily. There is a doorbell sound and she pretends to open up the door which is really the wings. A man walks in, his face hidden. The young woman, entranced by him, looks up at him, following his lead.) _

MAN: How'd you like a drink my dark eyed beauty? _(Offers her a drink. She declines.) _I've got one more night left here in town. Won't you like a glass of this green elixir and we'll have ourselves a little mixer. _(Offers her again. She accepts trustfully, looking up at him interested.) _Have another little swallow little lady and follow me down…

_(The mysterious man pours her some green elixir and the woman drinks it, not at all suspicious. The woman drinks it, then starts to choke, dropping to the ground, dead. The man takes the necklace off her neck and a bag of money in her pocket as well, leaving her to rot.)_

CHRIS: _(Spoken.) _And then, from the moment he returned home she was well-dead.

_(Wesker walks on stage, the lyrics to this part have been cut. He sees his dead girlfriend and drops beside her, dumbfounded. He places his hand over her heart, her eyes, closing them.)_

CHRIS: After drinking poisoned apple juice the woman was quite naturally-dead!

_(Wesker, not bearing to see this runs away, suddenly turning cold and fierce. He puts on his sun glasses.)_

YOUNG WESKER: _(Coldly.) _No one will stand in my way. _(Walks off.)_

CHRIS: _(Spoken.) _so you see…his life pretty much sucked.

STARS: No one mourns the evil! Now at last, he's dead and gone! Now at last there's joy throughout the land! And we all know, the evil die alone!

CHRIS: _(Spoken.) _He's dead and gone!

STARS: Woe to those who spurn what goodness is, they are shown! No one mourns the evil!

STARS: Good news!

STARS: No one mourns the evil!

CHRIS: Good news!

ALL: No one mourns the evil! EVIL! EVIL!


	5. Everyone's a Little Bit Racist

**I am still working on Phantom, I'm sorry to Kelley28. This one was just kind of a random thought half an hour ago. This is my new favorite musical. **

**CAUTION: This includes racism! If you are about to take what you read serious and call me racist, than don't read it. I'm not racist!; this is a song from a fictional show that is strictly meant for humor. **

**P.S.: I'm Jewish, and this song (and others) Make fun of Jews, but I laugh anyways.**

_(A spotlight appears on the stage over Steve Burnside and Claire Redfield. The backdrop is a crappy apartment complex.)_

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _Hey Claire, can I ask you something?

CLAIRE: _(Spoken) _Sure!

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _Well, you know Chris Redfield upstairs?

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.) _Uh huh.

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _He's Chris Redfield, and you're Claire Redfield.

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.) _Right.

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _You're both Redfield's.

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.) _Yeah.

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _Are you two related?

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.)_ _What?! _Steven, I'm surprised at you! I find that racist!

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _Wha-I'm sorry! I was just asking.

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.) _Well, _it's a touchy subject! (Looks suspiciously at Steve.) _what are you trying to say…huh? That we all _look_ the same to you? Huh? Huh? Huh? _(In Steve's face.)_

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _No, no, no, not at all! I'm sorry; I guess that was a bit racist.

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.) _I should say so. You should be much more careful when you're talking about the sensitive subject of race.

_(Music from Everyone's a Little Bit Racist from Avenue Q starts up.)_

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _Well, look who's talking!

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.) _What do you mean?

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _What about that motorcycling group you're always talking about?

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.) _What about it?

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _Could a person like me join?

CLAIRE: _(Spoken. Looking him over.) _No, we don't want people like you!

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _Ha ha, see! _(Sung.) _You're a little bit racist!

CLAIRE: _(Sung.) _Well you're a little bit too!

STEVE: We're all a little bit racist!

CLAIRE: Admitting it is not an easy thing to do!

STEVE: But I guess it's true.

CLAIRE: Between me and you, I think-

BOTH: Everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes! Doesn't mean we go around committing hate crimes! Look around and you will find, no ones really color blind! Maybe it's a fact we all should face! Everyone makes judgments _(Bob their heads to the music.) _based on race!

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _Not big judgments, like who to kidnap, or who buy weapons from.

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.) _No!

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys should learn to speak g-ddamned English!

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.) _Right!

BOTH: Everyone's a little bit racist, today! So, everyone's a little bit racist. Okay! Ethnic jokes might be uncouth, but you laugh because there based on truth! Don't take them as personal attacks! Everyone enjoys them…so relax!

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _Stop me if you've heard this one!

CLAIRE: _(Spoken.) _Okay!

STEVE: _(Spoken.) _There's a plane going down, and only one parachute. There's a Spanish cult leader, A zombie,--

CLAIRE: (Spoken.) And a midget!

_(Salazar walks up behind her.)_

SALAZAR: (Spoken.) Whatchoo talkin' about Claire?

CLAIRE: (Spoken.)…Uh…

SALAZAR: (Spoken.) You were telling a castellan joke, weren't you?

STEVE: (Spoken.) Sure Ramon, but everyone tells castellan jokes.

SALAZAR: (Spoken, dryly.) I don't.

STEVE: (Spoken.) Well, sure _you_ don't, you're a castellan. But I bet you tell Ganado jokes!

SALAZAR: (Spoken.) Well, sure I do. Those stupid Ganado's. (Laughs.)

STEVE: (Spoken.) Don't you think _that's _a little bit racist?

SALAZAR: (Spoken.) Well damn…

CLAIRE: (Sung.) You're a little bit racist!

SALAZAR: (Sung.) Well you're a little bit too!

STEVE: (Sung.) We're all a little bit racist!

SALAZAR: I think that I would have to agree with you!

STEVE and CLAIRE: We're glad you do!

SALAZAR: It's sad but true! Everyone's a little bit racist!

STEVE: Alright.

CLAIRE: Alright.

SALAZAR: Alright! Tallness has never been exclusively wide!!!!

ALL: If we all could just admit, that we are racist, a little bit! _(Innocently.) _even though we all know that its wrong! Maybe it could help us, get along!

STEVE: (Spoken.) Christ, do I feel better now!

SALAZAR: (Spoken.) Now there was a fine, upstanding black man.

STEVE: (Spoken.) _Who?!_

SALAZAR: (Spoken.) Jesus Christ.

CLAIRE: (Spoken.) Uh, Ramon, Jesus was white.

SALAZAR: (Spoken.) No, he was black.

CLAIRE: (Spoken.) No, he was white!

SALAZAR: (Spoken.) I'm pretty sure that Jesus was bla—

STEVE: (Spoken.) Guys, Jesus was Jewish!

(All Laugh.)

(Leon enters.)

LEON: (Spoken.) What are you guys laughing about?

SALAZAR: (Spoken.) Racism!

LEON: (Spoken.) Cool!

(Ada enters.)

ADA: (Spoken, with thick Japanese accent.) Reon, come hele, you folgot the lacurabers!

STEVE: (Spoken.) What the hell does that mean?

LEON: (Spoken.) Uh…recyclables.

(Three laugh.)

LEON: (Spoken.) Hey, don't make fun of her! How many languages do you speak!

CLAIRE: (Spoken.) Oh come of it, Leon! (Sung.) Everyone's a little bit racist!

LEON: (Spoken.) I'm not!

STEVE: Oh no?

LEON: No!

STEVE: Ha!

LEON: How many oriental wives have you got?

ADA: What, _Reon!_

STEVE: Leon, buddy, where've you've been, the word is Asian American.

ADA: I know you arle no intending to be! But calling me Orlientur, offensive to me!

LEON: (Spoken.) I'm sorry honey, I love you!

ADA: (Spoken. Sigh.) I ruv you too.

LEON: (Spoken.) But you know, you're racist too.

ADA: (Spoken.) Yeah, I know. (Sung.) The Jews have all the money and the white have all the powel! And I aways in taxi cabs with dliver who no shower!

STEVE: Me too!

CLAIRE: Me too!

SALAZAR: (Spoken.) I can't even get a taxi!!!!!!

ALL: Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true! But everyone is just about as racist _(Points at reader(s)) _as you! If we all could just admit, that we are racist, a little bit, and everyone stop being so P.C. Maybe we could live in harmony!!!!!

ADA: (Spoken.) Evelyone's a rittle bit lacist.

**And they said that calling me short wasn't being racist. Hah!**


End file.
